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Things wrong with this movie: 

1. It wasn’t McGarnagle

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Things wrong with this movie:

1. Too much clothing.

NOT ENOUGH CHRIS EVANS WITH HIS SHIRT OFF!!!!!! AM I RIGHT LADIES?!?!?!

2. We’ll go through the front door!

So the final plan to get to the last Hydra fortress is for Captain America to “go through the front door”. So the guy gets on his bike, puts a shield in front, and then drives by himself. That’s the plan? That’s like, the stupidest thing ever. Why is Steve Rogers so stupid? Look at the picture! There’s like fifty explosions going off around him!

So his idiotic plan sort of works, and for whatever reason Hydra waits until the last minute to do the old “let’s box him in with flame throwers” bit, and then what? They don’t kill him? YOU CAPTURE CAPTAIN AMERICA? THE MAN THAT HAS SINGLE HANDEDLY DESTROYED ALL OF YOUR BASES? WHY? FOR GOD’S SAKE JUST BURN HIM.

So they take him into the main room in the fortress, where Red Skull starts to give him crap. And then, all of a sudden, all of Captain America’s friends storm in through the windows on a zip-line. 

WHAT?! WHY DIDN’T THEY JUST DO THAT IN TH BEGINNING?! WHY DID CAPTAIN AMERICA RISK HIS LIFE FOR, LIKE, THE WORST DISTRACTION IN THE HISTORY OF WARFARE. Why are there so many windows in this base?!

3. The ending.

Okay, so we’re in a super-fortress plane headed to destroy New York, and of course he decides to land the plane in the water because we’ve already established that he might be slightly retarded. Nevermind that he doesn’t check for a parachute. Or the fact that he doesn’t even remotely try to land the plane as gently as possible. Or the fact that there’s tons of miniature-bomb-type planes in the hanger that he could fly (and he did fly one of them). Nope, all he could do was steer it straight into the ground as violently as possible.

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Things wrong with this movie:

1. As a kid, I never, ever came across another Donovan. In this movie, the main villain is named Walter Donovan. I get excited because I could actually live vicariously through him. THE MAIN VILLAIN! THE ANTAGONIST THAT OPPOSES INDIANA JONES! He has to be epic, right?! I could imagine myself holding hands in empowerment with Donovans across the world; finally, we will be recognized! It’s our time to shine on the silver screen!

And then he turns out to be in the movie for like 10 minutes. And then every scene he’s in is super lame, and he comes out seeming like an idiot. And then he turns into this.

And I’m like this:

2. The ending.

So of course, they find the Holy Grail, and the knight guarding it has been doing for over 900 years. 900 years. Of like, the most mundane stuff ever. Every day, he’s all like, checking the traps and dusting the place and making sure the torches stay lit.

And then Indiana comes in, wrecks all the traps, throws dirt all over the place, kicks Donovan into the wall (who then explodes, mind you), and then takes the Holy Grail. The Knight has only one thing to tell Indy: “But, beware: the Grail cannot pass beyond the Great Seal, for that is the boundry, and the price, of immortality.”

Literally five minutes later, Indy let’s the Grail pass the Great Seal, destroys the Knight’s temple, and then loses the Grail forever.

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Good movie, but this part always bothered me. “Take it take it!”

Also, I’m pretty sure it is in his contract that Leonardo DiCaprio has to have the option of dying in every film.

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Full disclosure: I’ve never actually seen this movie, but I can tell you this:

No thank you.

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Everything, but especially the fact that it had Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner in it. Every ticket should’ve come with a gun with one bullet so that you had to decide whether to shoot at the screen or shoot yourself.

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If you have two lion cubs and you name one Mufasa and one Scar, what the fuck do you think is going to happen?

Jenna Marbles

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The part where the Brenda Fricker and Macaulay Culkin are hanging out in the rafters of the opera house and Fricker admits, “I don’t have many friends.”

Culkin’s response? “It’s getting late.” Ouch, Macaulay.

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